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From: Chaz Stevens
To: lindatakahashi@hotmail.com
Date: Friday, October 12, 2012 2:14:16 PM
Subject: Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, and the election in Hallandale Beach

Dear Citizen Takahashi;

As it seems you’ve just shatnered in from another galaxy, I say greetings to you from Planet Earth.

I’ve caught wind of your worries about Commissioner Keith London cohabitating within the borders of Hallandale Beach, and I say to you, most excellent use of your time!

But…

I’m also worried, as you’ve seemed to have opened the barn doors of trouble.

To wit.

Remember back in high school, sitting in that really trick 1973 Camaro (mostly orange, some rust, lots of jizz), giving that hot kid Jimmy (now a Pizza Express manager) those blow jobs?

Slurp slurp. Not in my hair, damn it!

Illegal in the State of Florida.

800.02 Unnatural and lascivious act.
A person who commits any unnatural and lascivious act with another person commits a misdemeanor of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083. A mother’s breastfeeding of her baby does not under any circumstance violate this section.

However, lucky for Commissioner Levy, his suckling at the tit of Mayor Joy Cooper is completely above board!

And well, I’m also worried for Commissioner Sanders — giving all the butt-fucking he’s done to the citizens of your great town, it’s only a matter of time before he’s called out (pun!) for his efforts.

You see…

Unfortunately for lover’s of the hershey highway, riding the colon cowboy is illegal in this great state of ours. And, oddly enough, so is having sexual relations with a porcupine (sorry BillJ).

So enjoy your stay here on Planet Earth. Say hello to Paul Ryan for me, will ya?

Toodles.

Chaz Stevens

PS Your last name… Takahashi. I believe means “Asian Penis Syndrome” in English?

Ay!

***

From: Whitfield, Lynn
Sent: Friday, October 12, 2012 11:41 AM
To: Linda Takahashi; * City Attorney DL
Subject: RE: Commissioner Keith London in Violation of Florida Statute 798.02 COHABITATION

Dear Ms. Takahashi:

Thank you for your e-mail. In the State of Florida, the State Attorney’s office is the office responsible for the investigation and possible prosecution of any alleged criminal behavior, not the City Attorney. Any complaints should be directed to them.

V. Lynn Whitfield
City Attorney

From: Linda Takahashi
Sent: Friday, October 12, 2012 11:11 AM
To: * City Attorney DL; Whitfield, Lynn
RE: Commissioner Keith London in violation of Florida Statute 798.02 COHABITATION

Dear Ms. Whitfield:

As a duly elected Hallandale Beach Commissioner, Keith London has sworn to uphold city and state laws. However, London for years has violated, and continues to violate, Florida Statute 798.02 which prohibits cohabitation of an unmarried man and woman. This misdemeanor of the second degree is punishable by up to 60 days in jail and a fine not greater than $500. The State of Florida prosecuted more than 300 of these type cases in 2009, so you can not pass this matter off as some archaic statutory relic.

London resides in his Hallandale Beach home with his longtime girlfriend, Ilene Sultan, who lists her residence address as 613 Oleander Drive, Hallandale Beach, a home owned and resided in by Commissioner London. The case law is well-settled as to the definition of the pertinent statutory language, ‘lewdly and lasciviously associate,’ specifically assigning the meaning of sexual relations between a man and woman without benefit of marriage.

London has publicly stated that his relationship with Sultan is of the amorous variety and non-platonic. In fact, his current campaign mailer lists Sultan as his ‘partner.’

As the City Attorney, you are ethically, if not legally, bound to investigate the aforementioned allegations concerning a sitting city commissioner. As an officer of the court, duly sworn to upheld Florida laws, the mandate is clear as to your proper course of action.

Hallandale Beach residents await your appropriate and timely response.

Chapter 798
ADULTERY; COHABITATION

Lewd and lascivious behavior.—If any man and woman, not being married to each other, lewdly and lasciviously associate and cohabit together, or if any man or woman, married or unmarried, 798.02 engages in open and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior, they shall be guilty of a misdemeanor of the second degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083.
History.—s. 6, ch. 1637, 1868; RS 2596; GS 3519; RGS 5407; CGL 7550; s. 773, ch. 71-136.