MAOS Exclusive: As my buddy Mike Rowe says, now get ready to get dirty (a love story).

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Nichols

A few days ago, I caught wind of an amazing story. A kind of tale, if true, that ruins careers (both political and professional), destroys homes, and changes lives. Not only that, this yarn involves a shifty political hopeful, a camera phone dick-pic, oh and yeah, the Tea Party!

OH. EM. GEE. This is so right up our alley!

In preparation (H), we’ve been researching this article for the last couple of days. And just a few hours ago, we received a document* that’s purported to contain private FaceBook messages between Broward County Judicial Candidate Bob Nichols and an individual referred to as Party #1. These messages are strongly sexual in nature and were supposedly sent during the time Nichols was Party #1′s pro-bono legal representation.

MAOS: Or, is that pro-boner?

Having prior knowledge of these supposed conversations and wanting to hear Nichols’ side, a few days ago I emailed him requesting an interview.

There was no response from Nichols to my request.

MAOS: Given the possible magnitude of the ensuing shitstorm barralling full-steam his way right yonder over the horizon, that came as no surprise to us.

However … most interestingly … within the hour of us hitting the send button, Nichols’ campaign website went tits up (pun!).

MAOS: The website reported a 509 Error (out of bandwidth). Which, professionally speaking as your IT guy, that’s a nice way of possibly taking down a website without admitting you’re taking down a website.

Don’t fret too much, as an archived copy of Nichols’ previous campaign website, with his career highlights, is available on archive.org. A review of which informs us Nichols is a:

  • Sex Crimes Unit Prosecutor
  • FBI and U.S. Attorney Instructor for Sex Crimes
  • United States Senate, Committee On Foreign Relations: Invited to testify as an expert in the Investigation and Prosecution of drug- rapes.
  • United States Department of Justice: Developed an FBI Intranet Web Page to assist state and federal law enforcement and medical personnel in all aspects of investigating and litigating drug-facilitated sex crimes.

Returning back to that document just received, the following is a Facebook post supposedly written by Nichols on September 3rd, 2012.

I appologize [sic] to all the readers who have been made a party to the unstable venom of [Party #1]. I have been very happily married for 24 years and have a wonderful family. I know [Party #1] only because, at the request of a dear friend, I agreed to help her resolve her domestic violence case. It is my job and duty as an attorney to help people in need even when those people are unstable and outwardly volatile. [Party #1] has somehow convinced herself that she and I have had some sort of relationship. She frequently sends me bizarre messages which I simply ignore. She has now decided to attack me and my family, for what reason I cannot say. Those who know me know that my family is loving and solid and will always remain that way. It is our hope that [Party #1] will leave us alone and that she receives the help that she needs.

So let me get this straight…

If true … Nichols asserts he ignored Party #1, yet at the same time represented her PRO-BONO in a legal matter, yet supposedly took willing part in the following exchanges. To quote Broward County School Board candidate Shelly Solomon, “duh, huh, what?”

As to those exchanges, here’s a following sample of the goods.

Worth the risk:

Party #1: You are worth the risk?

Nichols: Well….finding out is half the adventure now isn’t it?

On getting divorced:

Party #1: When us [sic] your divorce?

Nichols: In the works….

Get hammered and get a room:

Nichols: Are you gonna get me hammered and take advantage of me?

DATY, or Dining At The “Y”:

Party #1: You want to kiss me at the equator? German Italian blonde girls like sex.

Nichols: ….or maybe even below the equator? ;) Guess I didn’t know the mysteries of German Italian blonds lol. The equator huh….so you like being kissed in hot places? Better find my pith helmet and get ready for an adventurous hike into the equatorial zone :)

Nichols will even do windows:

Party #1: well, he was like “I’ll be in Plantation and we can spend some hot time together … I should be finished at my event by 10:30 a.m. ~ and we can be together until early afternoon.” I’m going to my phone in a moment brb I just want to tell you this part now so he finishes up at the event at Veteran’s Park (that’s what it was) in Plantation, calls me, I was blow drying my hair ~~~ he’s like ooooo I’ve been calling all the hotels in the area! (????) and none are ready! I’m like, what? uhm ok, I was thinking of going to breakfast and hanging out?

Nichols: Well, I called the Sheraton Suites and they don’t have any rooms ready yet, so I even asked them (he was chuckling) for a “dirty room” and offered to clean it myself!!!!!!!!!!!!

Green Eggs and Ham, I am Sam I Am.

Party #1: No. I am not coming. You do not really want to have eggs, and a bagel and orange juice with me, you only want SEX.

Nichols: No. Yes!

Party #1: Ok, well, I’m not coming , you are married and you should just go home to your wife.

Nichols: I told you, I am not married, we have no relations any longer, and I want to be with you!

And what’s a Republican sex scandal without a picture of Mr. Happy?

Party #1: and the making out in my car was imagined too?
Party #1 Oooo no its ok! Maybe all I have to do is plaster his pee-pee picture he sent to my phone! ????? Oh I can go there & the truth shall set me free!!
Party #1: Even Michael Jackson couldn’t deny his own wee wee.:) It is all very much true.
Party #1: just trying to save Broward County from “bad Judge syndrome”.

A couple final thoughts here.

Earlier this week, I had a telephone conversation with Party #1 and was told:

  1. A clear picture of Broward County Judicial Candidate Bob Nichols exposing his naked genitals does indeed exist and was sent to a female client he was representing pro-bono.
  2. This camera phone pictures was supposedly taken in front of a pedestal sink with bathroom tiles in the background.
  3. Seems that Mr. Happy might have gotten a parking lot hummer. And I ain’t talking about the truck.
  4. Party #1 supposedly filed a Florida Bar Complaint (I’ve not seen that document).
  5. The Bar was said to be extremely concerned over the possible existence of this picture.
  6. Party #1 told me Nichols would ask her to show up at his law office “dressed a certain way.”
  7. I know of three people (myself being one) that have spoke directly to Party #1. All of our stories are consistent.

See you later Bob. Say hello to Sylvia Poitier on your way out.

* Disclaimer: that document has not been vetted with a second independent source, however I believe it to be true, but have no direct proof as to its authenticity nor to the veracity of its claims.

Update: Nichols’ campaign website is now live.

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Chaz Stevens

Chaz Stevens

Professional Troublemaker
Father of the world-famous Pabst Blue Ribbon Festivus Pole, Chaz’s antics are sure to entertain, educate, and irritate. Chaz has been appeared on The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Fox News, and hundreds of national media outlets, and several international newspapers.
Chaz Stevens

@TweetsByMAOS

According to John Stewart, I am the General Patton of the War on Xmas. Father, Pabst Blue Ribbon Festivus Pole. Professional troublemaker.
City Manager Jon Allen “Cooking the Books” http://t.co/sr7NCV9KM3 - 1 day ago
Chaz Stevens
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