Highty-ho! scumbag.


The following information about the Federal Prosecution Process is offered as a helpful bit of education to a person of MAOS particular interest.

While each case is different, its progress through the federal court system generally follows these steps.

Grand Jury Indictment

If you are charged by the Feds (say for misuse of grant money), the process begins by way of arrest, complaint, or indictment. Though sometimes, Uncle Sam goes by way of a Grand Jury, whose job is to determine if enough evidence exists for charges to be filed.

Indictments are formal charging documents.

If you are federally indicted, then technically speaking you’d be pretty much f***ed.

Arrest and Bail Hearing

If you are indicted, there’s a good chance you’ll be arrested. You’ll then make an appearance in court for a bail hearing. Often with federal cases, there’s a presumption of no bail.



Next up is your arraignment where you’ll hear the charges brought against you (say for misuse of grant money).

The Federal Speedy Trial Act mandates trials within 70 days.

It makes sense to waive your right to speedy trial.


Oh, say you are charged with misuse of grant money… It would seem that you’re definitely off to jail, so why not enjoy your freedom while you can.

Cause, sooner or later, you’re going to end up in the can.

Speaking of “can”, there’s gonna be a party in yours.

Discovery of Evidence and Filing Motions

Should you find yourself at this point (say for misuse of grant money), then your lawyer will be reviewing and evaluating the evidence.

Speaking of your lawyer, we’re guessing he cost you somewhere between $50,000 and $100,000.

That’s gotta hurt.

Trial or Guilty Plea

A jury of your peers or not? Go to trial or cut a deal? The Fed’s have an amazing conviction rate (+90%), so it probably makes sense to cut a deal.

Jail time? Probation? A combination of both? Whatever the case, you’ll be forever branded a convicted felon.

Praise be to Jesus H. Christ on a Crutch.

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Chaz Stevens

Chaz Stevens

Professional Troublemaker
Father of the world-famous Pabst Blue Ribbon Festivus Pole, Chaz’s antics are sure to entertain, educate, and irritate. Chaz has been appeared on The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Fox News, and hundreds of national media outlets, and several international newspapers.
Chaz Stevens


According to John Stewart, I am the General Patton of the War on Xmas. Father, Pabst Blue Ribbon Festivus Pole. Professional troublemaker.
Sunrise Commissioner Larry Sofield seems okay with a "fag calling" culture. http://t.co/n3RBMMDKMK - 13 hours ago
Chaz Stevens