Chaz’s ass got kicked today. Spoiler: not the way some might hope.


Earlier this summer, I embarked on a 12-month project, where I am forging a path of health, wellness, and bad-ass-ness.

To aid my endeavor, I’ve hired the services of two additional professional trainers; joining my long-time MMA coach Troy Gonsalves will be Steve Schwade (technical boxing) and Cham Pierre (fitness guru).

Gonsalves, ever-patient with my cockeyed southpaw delivery (I’m naturally right-handed), teaches me how to throw elbows, fight with sticks, and to knock the crap out of evil-doers with a devastating combination of up-jab, then hook.

“Stop dropping your hands,” he yells. “You’re telegraphing your punches from a mile-away.”

In between deep gulps for air, I ask, “So what happens when I nail someone with my left jab/hook?”

“You have natural, explosive power. If you connect and they don’t fall down, then run,” he said. “But most folks aren’t going to be standing.”


Schwade brings years of ringside experience, and his first order of business has been to work on my cardio-vascular.

“Breath motherf***er breath,” Schwade tells me, deep into our 60 minutes of hell training.

Pierre, with a body like Adonis, sprinkles his very high-paced — sucking my energy like a vampire — 90 minute workouts with “options.”

“You can have option (a) which will hurt,” he says. “Or there’s option (b). Which will also hurt.”

There are always options with Cham.

He’s also happy to discuss his latest bowel movements, the size and shape of “one’s output”, and all sorts of other interesting digestive ideas.

He’s nothing, if not authentic.

All things considered equal, those Three Fine Gentlemen have their work cut out for them.

* Anyone wanting to get into top-flight shape should consider the folks over at Strike Gym.


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Chaz Stevens

Chaz Stevens

Professional Troublemaker
Father of the world-famous Pabst Blue Ribbon Festivus Pole, Chaz’s antics are sure to entertain, educate, and irritate. Chaz has been appeared on The Colbert Report, The Daily Show, Fox News, and hundreds of national media outlets, and several international newspapers.
Chaz Stevens


According to John Stewart, I am the General Patton of the War on Xmas. Father, Pabst Blue Ribbon Festivus Pole. Professional troublemaker.
Al Capellini's $735,000 legal bar tab. #BendOver - 10 hours ago
Chaz Stevens