Maybe I don’t get how modern-day policing works in the 21st century, but if we’re to believe (pun!) Coconut Creek Police Chief Michael Mann, he’s the only officer over there (out of 110 troops) that’s Taser certified.
Are you shitting me?
So, if Mann’s the only guy with a Taser, do they have a special call sign, say 10-Mayberry, that signals he’s required to come zap someone? What happens if he forgets to bring the device to the office? I’ve heard of Bring Your Own Laptop, but fuck me…
Dispatch: We have a 10-Mayberry at Publix. A 72-year old man is (once again) getting out of hand.
Mann: Hang on Car 54, I need to run home for a moment.
Mann: Someone also send a hungry dog!
And those unfamiliar with Mann’s physical attributes, let’s just say he’s one wobble from the Wheeble Who Wobbled Down. Dude couldn’t put a Taser on his belt — unless there’s a Jenny Craig version that’s curved.
All of this nonsense, you see, brought about by Mann’s intemperate remarks that he’s the only one in the entire rank who’s certified to use the device.
Yes certifiable, but also Taser-certified.
Those remarks were made a recent press conference to discuss the tasing and killing of an unarmed civilian (surrounded five white cops, and you can guess the color of the dead fellow).
The quick story — three CCPD officers tased a fellow into the afterlife, and what ensued is nothing short of the worst-coverup-since-we’ve-been-keeping-track.
As we don’t believe that blowhard one bit, here’s a public records request we just filed.
The following is a request for public information.
- Copy of the CCPD’s procedures that detail the training and certification requirements for a taser.
- Copy of all of Chief Michael Mann’s taser certifications
- Copy of any documents related to Chief Michael Mann’s taser training and/or certifications
- For the last two weeks, copies of Chief Michael Mann’s emails that contain the phrases “taser” “training”, and/or “certification.”
Later this weekend, I’ll be offering for sale (proceeds to benefit Women in Distress) genuine American made, custom fitted t-shirts (no worries Chief Portly Mann, we’ll have chunky boy sizes) to commensurate the slaying of an unarmed private citizen by three uniformed Coconut Creek Police Officers.
Here’s a few of the slogans from the gear.
- Shit, he tazed me bro.
- Ouch, ouch, ouch.
- Nuke on high for 3 minutes.
And my favorite.